It's all about me... again.
To You, O Lord, I call; my rock, be not deaf to me, lest, if you be silent to me, I become like those who go down to the pit. Hear the voice of my pleas for mercy, when I cry to you for help, when I lift up my hands toward your most holy sanctuary. Psalm 28:1-2
I've been thinking lately about why it is that there are different seasons to my life with God. Like most believers I have had incredible times of what seems to be a surge of God's spirit in me, and at other times... not so much. I don't question God on this except in that I am selfish and would like to "feel" this surge more often. I like good feelings. I like being happy and content and I like the person I am when I feel these things.
I know that when I am struggling, I need to go to God. Go to His word and His statutes. Seek after Him and I will find Him. But I wonder if in the darker times I really want to find Him?
I've realized that I like self pity. I am one who can find self pity quickly and dive into that pool with my street clothes on without hesitation. I can weigh my "works" and "results" against others and think maybe I'm just not as good at this as they are... I give myself over to my pride and take the hits like a good selfish worker with much to proove. I decide that this is all about me. All about my thoughts, feelings and efforts. All about my results and my glory. And then I wonder why I don't see Jesus in what I am doing. My carnal efforts deserve carnal results, and boy can I be carnal.
I read a quote from an unknown author that said something to the effect of "Much of our problems with God in our life stem from the fact that we have a picture in our head of how things are supposed to be."
I have plans. I have vision. I have goals and I need results. I, I, I...
The American way of life, the idea that you can do anything you set your mind to seems to totally fly in the face of serving Christ. This way of life sets MY goals and dreams above God. And then when my expectations of performance are not met, or the results don't fit my vision, I wonder if I have planned properly, prepared poorly, made the right choices... and even wonder if I'm outside of God's will for my life.
I'm finding that I continue to fall back on the wrong questions. I am seeing that God isn't looking at my vision to get his marching orders. He's not consulting me about how to reach people or build His church. He doesn't say that no one comes to the Father but by Chuck. He doesn't say that Chuck will build my church and the gates of hell will not prevail against it. He says it's not about me. He says it's all about Jesus.
It's time, once again to push the reset button. To repent of my selfishness and pride. To ask God to humble me... even if it hurts.
Please God.... forgive me once again. Show me again your great mercy and allow me, I pray, to know you more. May you increase that I may decrease so your precious word of the cross will go forth to a lost and dying world.